Goin' Postal
If the mailman is going to fold my nice, neat grant proposal as he carries it, can't he at least wait until he leaves our office, as opposed to doing it right in front of me while he chats with the receptionist? Don't we still need to maintain the fiction that the Postal Service is not supposed to damage your package, as opposed to all parties acknowledging that they will damage it?
mike sold out at - 11:58
12.26.2002
Why I am Moving to Montanta... (part III)
Definitely the phrase of the week is one I saw on a bumper sticker plastered over a subway sign at Penn Station:
"Regime Change Begins at Home"
I thought that was quite excellent.
mike sold out at - 11:43
12.22.2002
Results of Saturday Night
"Nevada Smith's: Where Bridges and Tunnels Meet"
mike sold out at - 03:03
12.21.2002
Are You Going to Take It?
Sometimes, you come across a webpage that brings it all together for you. Make sure you read the "page of proof".
mike sold out at - 22:53
So recently I coined a pick-up line for a friend of mine to use on the ladies. It involves the following: sit by the women's bathroom at a bar. As ladies wait in line, turn suavely towards them and say "So... full bladder, huh?" Guaranteed every time.
mike sold out at - 01:49
12.19.2002
First, The News
The NYC Comptroller is going to be auditing the MTA! This is a good thing for me and you, if you are a fellow strap-hanger, as it will reveal why they are raising the subway fare...
mike sold out at - 21:14
12.16.2002
This just in from correspondent, Andrew Price (at right)
Top Ten Ways New Yorkers Will Deal With Subway Strike
From the David Letterman Show
10. Urging people to steal cars now, before the big rush.
9. To attract passengers, cab drivers chipping in on one can of air freshener.
8. For an extra two dollars, hot dog vendors will push you around on their cart.
7. The city is recommending that New Yorkers take Boston's public transportation instead.
6. Printing new signs: "Subway Closed -- Please Urinate On Sidewalks."
5. Three words: hookers on bikes.
4. Confused Subway sandwich shop workers excited to get a few weeks off.
3. Staffers already making up excuses why they can't carpool with Regis.
2. Saddling the rats.
1. New ad campaign: "Walk, Lardass"
mike sold out at - 15:16
12.12.2002
No Fear
Or rather, lots of it. This article is hilarious.
mike sold out at - 14:41
Add some spice to your life
When the guy at Pick-A-Pita asks you if you want "Spicy" in your falafel, the answer should always be no.
mike sold out at - 14:35
12.11.2002
Strike a Blow Against Capitalism
Well not, really. But if this transit strike actually happens (it won't), I imagine something like the end of It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World where everyone is commuting into Manhattan on all kinds of crazy things, like motorcycles with sidecars, scooters, boats, planes, pogo sticks, etc. It will be awesome.
mike sold out at - 12:31
12.10.2002
Try to read this article without checking to see where your wallet is. I bet you can't do it.
mike sold out at - 16:23
12.04.2002
Brown Paper Packages Tied Up With Strings...
My hanukah gifts to my roommates:
For Marla, a 8x10 picture I made in photo class to hand out to the girls I knew in 11th grade. It has my face in a typically suave pose and the words "Thinkin' About You / Happy Holidays" printed on it. (Photo to be posted soon)
For Hayley, a certificate from 1991 for being the "Just Say No Classroom Representative" with my name crossed out and her name written in.
mike sold out at - 16:27
12.03.2002
Obsession
Last night at Arlene’s Grocery, it was like the night old dixie died… or something. Anyways, I went there with Alissa to bury Corporate Rock Karaoke forever, and I was told, “Don’t look back”.
It had been such a long time since I started coming to Cock Rock Karaoke. Let me tell you – it was quite a journey. I was introduced to it by Benita, who looked not unlike bengali version of Billy Squire and Pat Benetar rolled into one. Upon arriving, I felt the heat of the moment – fat bottomed girls dancing about, people lovin’, squeezin’, and touchin’ – truly amazing.
Last night, it was more than a feeling – I could honestly say it felt like the first time. The rock and roll band hit us with their best shot – we tied our mothers down, we were hot-blooded, we took it on the run, came and sailed away, and yes, we even got double vision. You got to sing the songs anyway you wanted it. The end was a little melodramatic, with everyone singing Sister Christian on-stage. It “touched my heart like a Bon Jovi high school graduation,” in the words of Ms. Um@nsky, but I think it more like crossing the river Styx.
I walked out of the club and realized I was without cars, let alone a single car, but I certainly was a long, long way from home, not in Asia, but still a long way. The wheel in the sky kept on turning and snowing and it was cold as ice (or cold as Boston, at least) as the lights went down in the city. So like the night ranger and loverboy that I am, I drunk-called my lady brett to tell her just what i needed: to not stop believing, to carry on like the wayward son that i am, to keep on lovin’ you, to rush and work for the weekend, to do the stroke, and continue … living on a prayer that corporate rock karaoke may someday return.
Only time will tell.
Lessons from last night/this morning:
1) Do not rub your eyes, even if it is several hours after touching a jalapeno pepper
2) The morning after singing cock rock songs into the back of someone’s head for three hours my throat is surprisingly clear and my voice is surprisingly low.
3) A beer named “Red” may seem like a good idea because it is the same price as PBR, but I assure you it is not.
